Batjokes Week
by Shiore-Hikaru
Summary: These are just a bunch of Batman/Joker one shot fics that I wrote for Batjokes week on Tumblr. Didn't do day 6 "King & Jester" instead I did fanart which is the cover. And days 3 and 4 go together. And the last day is a poem. Hope you enjoy :D
1. Day 1: All Tied Up

"So Batsy is the chair comfy enough for you? Need a drink, some snacks perhaps?" chuckled the Joker as he rubbed Batman's shoulders. Batman jerked in the chair he was tied to. How the hell did the Joker even get the drop on him anyway? He had just cornered the Joker; he had him in his grasp when he was suddenly struck from behind with something heavy and blunt. It must've been Harley Quinn and her hammer. Either way he was at the Joker's mercy, tied up and when he shifted to go for his belt it was gone. He noticed it lying on a table on the other side of the room. "Boy you sure are tense," giggled the clown.

"Don't touch me!" growled the Bat as he shoved the madman a bit. Joker backed off but came into Batman's view still smiling.

"Oh Batman, got your tights in a bunch? Well lighten up darling; we got a bit of time before your little birdies come looking for ya and I intend to enjoy it."

"What do you want Joker?" Batman had stopped the Joker's plot to blow the Gotham Bridge, while Gordon and his men tried to locate and deactivate the bombs the Batman went after the clown himself. As the knight mused this the Joker let out a series of chuckles, breaking the hero's concentration.

"Are you sore because my little Harley girl managed to get the drop on you? Oh you should've been awake to see it all those neat explosions and fireworks blow Gordy and the GCPD to smithereens!"

Batman was seething in anger, threatening to break the ropes that held him. The Joker just laughed and patted the bat's head. "I'm only joking Batsy, clown's honor. I'll let you in on a little secret though Bat-babe," smiled the Joker as the Batman physically let know that he had calmed down. The jester slipped in and straddled his knight; he ghosted his red lips beside where the bat's ear would be under the cowl. "There were no bombs."

Bruce stared up at the Joker's intense bright green eyes that glistened in the moon lit room. "What… did you just say?"

"Don't get me wrong it would've been amusing to blow up all those people in a giant fireball of fun but that's not what I had in mind for tonight. You see for weeks you've been so preoccupied catching those other losers that I never got to see you. Can you imagine how I felt when I read in the newspaper that the weed got busted by you? Or Hatty, or the Scardey-crow, hell even Eddie got your attention last week! So I staged a big prank to get your attention." When Batman made no attempt to respond the madman continued. "I mean can you blame me Batsy darling? I just wanted your attention," the Joker said with pouted lips as he batted his eyelashes.

This whole display just fueled the detective's stunned annoyance. He would be so livid if he wasn't so thrown off by the Joker attempting to seem innocent. It just didn't fit; it was like tying a bright pink bow onto a vicious animal. "So let me get this straight, you did all this just to get me alone? That's it? What do you plan on doing to me Joker? Take my mask off and shoot me?"

"Heh, I thought you knew me by now darling. I don't wanna kill you, especially in that lackluster way you described."

"Then what do you want?" growled the bat.

The Joker grew silent and pressed himself harder into his knight. Batman had nearly forgotten how close the madman was until he felt that lithe body against the ropes and suit. The clown crashed his lips against Batman's. At first he struggled and tried to get away, but the ropes kept him in place. Those blood red lips against his, his tongue breaching Bruce's defenses and dancing against his own. The slight taste of blood that shocked his senses as the Joker bit onto his bottom lip. It all stirred a primal need within him as he began to accept the lunatic and reciprocate the passion. Eventually the Joker separated from the kiss and was breathing hard, returning much needed air back into his lungs. Once he settled himself he just smiled as he gazed into the blue eyes that peered through the dark shroud that was the cowl. It was dark but the Joker could have sworn those fierce and cold eyes were glazed over with lust.

"What I want is to show you that it's not all games with me. That there are things I would enjoy doing with you other than beating each other's heads senselessly. Hehehe, pun intended of course. And I know you would like to do it too. So what do you say big guy?" Joker grinded against Batman's lap hard, he wanted his beloved bat to feel every thrust underneath that suit of his. He felt his knight squirming against the ropes, wanting to be free and engage. Just as they reconnected a sound broke through the symphony of grunts and moans playing through the quiet room.

The Joker reluctantly ripped himself away from Batman as he answered his cellphone. "What is it!?"

_"__Puddin' we got birdbrains coming in fast!"_

"What rotten luck! Oh well thanks for the heads up," he sighed as he closed the phone. He got off Batman, adjusted his suit and turned to face him. "It's been fun Batsy, but unfortunately your little birdies are butting in our haha time." Just as he was about to leave Batman called out to him.

"Joker…" said clown met eyes with his tied up and beloved hero. "I will find you," said Batman in a low growl. It was meant as a threat but didn't sound like it at all. To the Joker it sounded like a declaration, a dark promise that this sensuous and violent dance will continue another night.

"I'm counting on it," smiled the Joker as he escaped into the dark, leaving Batman alone and tied up.


	2. Day 2: JokerxBatarang

The Joker sat alone at the foot of his bed unable to sleep. It was nothing new, there were those nights where he seemed restless and sleep eluded him. He was alone tonight. Harley had reluctantly left with the weed and cat lady on a girl's night out. She never really liked leaving him, but he insisted she go away for a while. God knows he could use the breathing space after being suffocated day in and day out by the little minx. The hideout was quiet, the henchmen gone and the hyenas asleep. He alone was the only thing stirring unable to find respite. He supposed he could watch some of his old comedy movies until he dozed off. But he didn't really feel like getting up to go all the way into the living room. Usually on nights like this he'd have Harley make him a vanilla ice cream sundae with all the fixings, only two problems: one Harley wasn't here and two he finished the ice cream two days ago. Ditzy blonde forgot to get some going grocery shopping.

He sighed as he slumped under the covers of his bed, tossing and turning. He finally reached for the phone by the nightstand and dialed Harley's number, no response. Those fem Nazis were probably holding his toy hostage doing girly crap. He dialed again but this time to Ivy's hideout where they were.

_"__What the hell do you want J?"_ demanded Ivy as she picked up.

"Why the hell ain't you letting the dumb blonde pick up her god damn cellphone!?"

_"__She's her own woman she doesn't have to answer to you!"_

"She does if she don't want a bullet between those baby blues now pass it to her!"

_"__Seriously what does she see in you?"_ she sighed over the line. A few moments passed and he could hear someone rushing to the phone.

_"__Puddin' I'm so sorry! Selina stole my cell and Red and her said I couldn't talk to you after our girl's night and I know you hate it when I don't answer your calls it ain't my fault puddin' I swear I…"_

"Alright I get it!" he snapped. "When you coming back? I want ice cream," he muttered.

_"__They won't let me leave. I try to tell them but they won't listen, I could maybe fake being sick and try to get outta this but if I do it now they'll know I'm trying to bail," _she said quietly.

"Then wait an hour after they had a few and come home. Desperate broads probably just wanna bitch about not having a man in their lives," he chuckled.

_"__I feel sorry for them, they don't got a man as sweet as you Mistah J,"_ Harley squeaked.

"Heh and don't you forget it, that and the ice cream. Now hurry up and get them hammered."

Joker hung up and tried to rest his eyes, it would only be an hour. As the seconds passed he found it useless to try to drift off to sleep. There was only one thing he could think of to pass the time. He stood up and opened the blinds to his window and stared off into the pestilent skyline. Among the polluted horizon, up above shined a light against the ugly dark. The calling to his beloved nemesis, Batman was out there playing without him.

"Oh Batsy, what loser is stealing the spotlight dance from me this time?" he asked himself with a sigh. Joker might not be out there battling the bat, but he had a piece of him right here at home he could enjoy.

The pale clown went into his closet and grabbed a box from the back. The box was ordinary, like a common shoe box but inside held a treasure. He sat at the foot of his bed as he opened the box. Inside was a single batarang, its metal glistened in the light. The Joker smiled at this, he always made sure to keep it clean and sharp. One could say he was proud of the upkeep of this item. It was old after all, being the first toy his darling bat flung at him. The delicious pain of coming back to his hideout that first dance and digging the blade from his shoulder, Joker was giggling at the memory of the pain.

He picked up the batarang; the blood red smile on his lips grew wider. Oh how he fantasized about his Batsy holding the sharp blade against his neck, he'd have to use this one mused the jester. Because after that night his bat modified his tools to be less sharp and rely on bluntness and weight to simply knock you out. This treasure that he held in his hand was probably the last of its kind.

With that sad thought behind him he unbuttoned his pajama top and began sliding the cold metal against his pale form, resuming the fantasy. His darling Dark Knight would hold him tight against his armored chest. That hard armor of his would hold him steady and a powerful hand would hold the blade against his flesh. Teasingly the knife-like toy would cut thin lines down his chest. He would hold it against his neck, with slight pressure threatening to penetrate him. Joker would stare up into the vigilante's cold eyes and beckon him to fall over the edge. In a pleading whisper he would encourage his knight to put the prince to sleep.

The fantasy would end right there and then, because his beloved didn't have the stomach for that kind of fun. It was against his morals, his rules and his creed. Joker looked down on his arms and chest. Blood flowed, staining white crimson red. These would scar up nicely as they join the one inflicted by Batman that one fateful dance. But the high and bliss was beginning to die off as reality consumed his ecstasy.

"Guess I better clean up," he mused as he was beginning to feel spent from indulging himself. He meticulously cleaned the batarang, put it back in its place, showered and bandaged himself up. Once he was into a fresh change of clothes he looked to the sky noticing the bat signal was no longer up.

"Oh, we'll have our next dance soon Batman, very soon," he smiled as he finally closed his eyes to sleep.


	3. Day 3: Intensive Therapy

Another night, another dance, but tonight would be something different than what the Batman had anticipated. Batman made his way to Arkham; he was supposed to meet with Gordon. He was told it had something to do with the Joker. He raced to the asylum, the Joker was greatest foe, if it involved him he couldn't afford to waste time. Lives could be at stake. As he made his way past Arkham's gates and into the asylum itself he met with Gordon by the security room.

"Thanks for coming Batman; we got a message from Harley Quinn a few days ago that the Joker had planted a bomb somewhere in Gotham and that she was going to set it off at his command. Luckily, he's been locked up pretty well here in the asylum. Security's been tight and the doctors were trying some kind of intensive therapy to get him to talk, but aren't having luck of getting anything out of him. Maybe you could get some answers before the clown finds a way to break out of here," explained Gordon.

"Don't worry I'll get him to tell me where Quinn is," responded Batman.

"So we should get started." Suddenly his phone went off. Gordon answered it and started heading for the door. "Just got word Two Face is robbing Gotham Bank. We'll handle him; just get the clown to talk."

Batman watched Gordon rush out of the room. He was left alone with all the security footage playing on the monitors. He was curious; Gordon mentioned that the Arkham doctors were putting Joker through some sort of intensive therapy. It was noble of them to try to get Joker to talk in order to potentially save innocents, but they should really leave the Joker to him. He was the only one to really go up against the lunatic. Before he set out to get to work he pulled up some videos from the Joker's therapy sessions, just to see what exactly they tried as therapy.

What he saw would boil his blood and make him clench his teeth so hard that they could break from the pressure. He witnessed multiple guards rush into the Joker's cell and hold him down as a doctor would inject him with multiple dosages of some sort of tranquilizer. He saw the Joker fight with every ounce of strength, twisting and moving to get free. The pale man eventually stopped moving, stopped fighting, almost looked like he stopped breathing for a moment. Those manic bright eyes that held so much vigor and life grew listless and dilated in a drugged haze. The other videos recording the following days made a sick toxic feeling sink in the pit of Bruce's stomach. The guards would beat him like a dog, whenever they felt like it. The doctors would poke and shock him on a daily basis. It seemed like Joker would get little water and hardly any food. Not that he seemed conscious or able to help himself with necessities for living. This wasn't some act to save Gotham, it was blatant torture of an individual who couldn't fight back. Yes the Joker is dangerous, deadly and evil, but still this seemed wrong.

When the detective couldn't take anymore he rushed over to the Joker's cell. He saw from the monitors that he was alone, laying on his cot. Batman didn't wait to see what state he was in, nor did he care if the madman was strong and ready to fight. Bruce doubt that the Joker would be able to after the abuse he saw from the security footage.


	4. Day 4: MarkedScarred

Once Batman reached the Joker's cell he told the guards stationed there to leave. Both men looked to one another, grinning. They probably thought he was there to beat the living hell out of the lunatic just as they had the past few days. It made Bruce sick letting those scum walk away after all the abuse they put the Joker through. Yes he himself did beat up criminals; he's broken bones and at times left some in body casts. Those men beat the Joker out of some sick and twisted delight; he did it to stop the clowns killing sprees and murderous rampages. Also, when his opponent could no longer fight back or was unconscious the Batman stopped, those men and the other guards who were involved in the abuse didn't. Joker was strong and resilient; he could take on the pain. If these men were to move on and beat another patient they could kill them. Those men would pay, along with the doctors who allowed this and engaged in their own torture therapy. But for now he needed to check on the Joker.

He opened the door and entered the cell. The Joker didn't acknowledge the bat at all, for a moment Batman thought he was still unconscious. But soon enough the clown shifted in his cot and spoke with a rasp.

"Not tonight guys keep it up… and I'm gonna cough up a lung…" Joker said in a weak voice at Batman's general direction. Batman approached and slowly sat the madman up and leaned him against the wall. "Alright just don't stomp on my ribs again, docs like me not so roughed up for electroshock in the morning," he responded with a tired laugh.

"Joker."

That voice, the Joker would know it anywhere. He struggled to open his eyes and then had trouble focusing. His bat just seemed like one huge black blur. He didn't like being on so many drugs to the point he couldn't see straight. He missed being able to try to see behind the cowl and catch a glimpse of those icy blue eyes.

"Bats…"

Bruce saw that Joker's eyes were unfocused, convulsing dilated pupils tried desperately to meet his own eyes. Finding the task draining and useless Joker rested his head against the wall closing his eyes.

"Are these the drugs or are you really here Batsy?"

"I'm here Joker." He wasn't sure what he should say. It was strange and horrible seeing his enemy this way. So weak and helpless, the Joker was never this way before. It was so unreal seeing his longtime adversary so completely defeated like this. Bruce didn't like it. "Joker, I need you to tell me where Quinn is. I know about the bombs. I don't want to fight you, just tell me where she is."

"And give up my only leverage to possibly have some fun when I'm far from this place? Sure they have me pretty roughed up and under their thumb but I'll bounce back I always do. I'll make them pay for having their fun with me and then I'll have my fun with Gotham with nice big fireworks," The Joker laughed.

Even though those lips were torn and swollen, the Joker smiled. Batman looked at the state he was in. He was breathing hard and shaking slightly from the sharp coldness in the cell. He was bruised all over. White skin was littered with sickly yellowed and purple marks, but underneath those bruises laid a field of scars. Some old and grizzly, but some were precise and skillfully deep from a blade of sorts. Bruce recognized them as some of the batarang scars that would be inflicted on the person unlucky enough to be on the other side of him throwing one.

The marks from the other men couldn't overtake or diminish what the scars that his beloved bat has inflicted on him. Joker could practically feel his adversary's sympathy for his state, he didn't like it. "I see you noticed the aftermath of the last few days on my body. Don't worry your little head darling it means nothing. Not when I've felt worse, this doesn't even compare. The marks and scars you and I left are what weave and tell our tale, not the blemishes from others. Because you and I have done so much damage and pain onto one another, we write the score to our grand dance of death not them." Eventually as the Joker spoke his vision cleared a bit, he managed to focus enough to see his darling bat's eyes that tried so desperately to hide in the shadows. "Have I ever told you I love to see your eyes," the clown giggled.

Brue almost shivered at the clarity and sometimes insanity that the Joker let slip, even in this drugged haze he did it, twisted dialogue weaving such different concepts of love and death in the same sentence. It unsettled him a bit; he tried to convince himself that it was the room that made him shiver. Batman had a duty to uphold, but still he wanted to help this man. "Joker I need to capture Quinn and deactivate your bombs, just this once help me, I don't want to fight."

"I always try to help you, you just never see it. Besides what do I get out of it?"

"Help me and I will do the same."

"What does that mean?"

"You'll see, but I need you to trust me and I promise to keep my end of the bargain."

The Joker mused this for a bit. Batman was being quite not himself; the sympathy must be coming from his other side. He tried to think about his knight's words but it was hard to concentrate when he felt so tired. It was hard to put aside his chance at fun and destruction but he was curious to see what the bat had in mind.

Joker laid himself as comfortably as he could on his cot. He could no longer see Batman's face, it all just blurred when he tried to. "She's at the shipping warehouses on the east end of town; bombs are under the supporting pillars of the bridge."

"Thank you."

"Yeah, yeah, go on and bring the dumb broad back and save the day," chuckled weakly the Joker as he closed his eyes. Batman noticed the Joker still shivering in his sleep. Before he left he unclasped his cape and laid it over the clown.

And the hero did complete his promise, afterwards Batman made sure the guards were dealt with and his other persona Bruce Wayne dismissed the doctors that were responsible. At night the Joker would lay in his cot wrapped in Batman's cape, happy that he could count on his bat.


	5. Day 5: He Loves Me He Loves Me Not

The engine of the Batmobile roared as it raced through the streets of Gotham. Batman was on the hunt for the criminal scum that dared cause trouble in his city at night. They thought they were "safe" under the cover of darkness, but the dark does little to hide injustice. It was Gotham's Caped Crusader that owned the night and put a stop to crime in his city. The Dark Knight is the one who roamed the city and stopped those who preyed on the weak. But tonight was rather quiet, even though lunatics like the Scarecrow and Two Face were already out of Arkham. Worst of all earlier today he got news that the most horrible of his rogues gallery escaped the asylum walls. The Joker was loose and the Batman was out on patrol to catch the dangerous clown before he could throw Gotham into chaos.

The cold night air blew past Batman's cape as he took up his search to the skylines as he grappled buildings. The streets were lively toward the shopping centers, the dark alleyways almost quiet except for the occasional group of homeless people sleeping or wandering about. Aside from that nothing of the criminal nature seemed to be out and about. An unusual calm, there seemed nothing wrong in Gotham tonight. Not even a petty mugger brave or desperate enough to make a grab at someone's purse. He tapped into the police scanners to see if anything on their radars required his assistance. Just a few domestic disturbances and noise violations nothing that Gordon and his men need the Batman's help with. As the night dragged on Bruce debated with himself whether or not he should call it in early and actually sleep as he did on these rare and peaceful nights.

He sighed as he said to himself, "Just one more sweep around the city." If nothing required his immediate assistance then he would return to the cave.

Batman leapt from various building tops, he almost decided to head home until something caught his eye. He saw a shadowed figure looking over the ledge of the building next to him. He just watched as the shadowed figure walked further out on the edge. Before he could call out, the person threw themselves off the roof. Batman sprang into action, lunged himself toward the next building and fired his grapnel so it would wrap around the leg of the person. He managed to make it just in time; the figure was a few feet off the ground and away from a gruesome death. Batman began pulling the rope to get the person to safety, when the figure was close Batman really couldn't believe who he had saved from plummeting off the roof.

"Joker?!"

The Joker began giggling once he was pulled and seated away from the edge. He was taking deep breaths between laughs and swept his disheveled hair away from his face.

"Hey Batsy, it's been a while huh? Fancy meeting you here," he smiled.

Batman was still speechless from the turn of events. Eventually he regained some sense but instead of asking questions he reached for a pair of handcuffs. It might have been best not to ask why the Joker would throw himself off a roof. "You're coming with me, back to Arkham."

The Joker looked straight into the bat's eyes. His face was absent from a smile and his eyes tore into the hero emotionless precision. He looked down to the cuffs and a small smile crept onto those blood red lips. "Alright Batso," he smiled as he held his wrists up.

This was all just too strange. There was never a time the clown gave in without a fight. The detective couldn't figure out this madman's game as he cuffed the pale wrists together. The trip down the building and the wait after as Batman called in the Batmobile was… lack for a better word just weird, mused Bruce. Usually the Joker would be talking up a storm as if the man had no off switch. But tonight he was being uncharacteristically quiet. He would merely look off into space, those acidic eyes holding no malicious intent. It was all strange. Once the vehicle stopped in front of them Batman placed the clown in front and took the wheel. As he drove off he would take small glances at the Joker. Those eyes of his still seemed to drift across the sky not focusing on anything.

The silence was becoming uncomfortable; almost without realizing it Batman spoke. "This isn't like you. You never make it easy, you're planning something."

Finally those venomous eyes focused onto the bat. A blood red smile finally spread across his white visage. But none of this seemed to have his infamous murderous quality. His features were soft, none of it mocking the knight in any way as if he was being sincere. "No games Batsy. I just wanted to prove something tonight. To myself really but believe me I have no convoluted plans concocted."

"Prove something?" Batman repeated.

"Yes darling. I'm quite happy really of the result," smiled the Joker.

"Would this have something to do with you throwing yourself off a roof?"

There was a pause, for a moment Batman thought that the questioned might have upset the clown due to the lack of a response. But after a brief silence the Joker giggled and directed his focus on the knight. "Yeah it does."

As Bruce focused on the road he couldn't help but think all this was too strange. He usually tries to distance himself from these lunatics it helps him do what's right. But still there were times when he couldn't help but try to see things their way. And again Bruce found himself asking the Joker about tonight.

"Did you finally get tired of all the games and decided to end it all or something?" The question came out too casual than what he would've liked it to. What if it was some suicide attempt?

"Please Batsy, do you think that me the Clown Prince of Crime, the most dangerous man in all of Gotham would want to end things with a fall? Boring! No if I'm gonna go out it's gonna be a grand death, you and me in our final dance. A suicide course to the death between chaos and order, it will be glorious!" he laughed.

"Don't you understand that if I hadn't have caught you that you would've died!" argued the hero when he grew fed up with the Joker's laughter.

His outburst managed to cease the clown's mirth. But he still remained smiling. "That's the point my darling."

Batman just remained stunned by the Joker's reason, so the madman continued speaking. "I guess you can say I wanted reassurance of what I already knew. That somehow, someway, call it fate, a bond, hell even love if you want to, but that we complete one another. And well tonight I put it to a test and well you see here I am safe and sound." He struggled in his seat and fidgeted with the cuffs. "Well not comfortable but you get the idea."

The knight was just taken back by all this; he honestly didn't know how to respond. He almost missed the next words to come passed those bloody lips, a part of him wish he had.

"It's like that game love sick adolescent girls play with flowers whether their crush likes them or not, only more extreme. If you missed me and I fell, well there's one answer. But you didn't Batsy, you caught me, you always do. So that reaffirms the second answer. Just need to wait 'til you see it too," the jester chuckled.

Before he knew it Bruce was pulling up toward Arkham. Guards stood nearby ready to escort the Joker back to his cell. But there was so many thoughts swirling around his head. Thoughts he wanted answers to. He needed the answers, but was too afraid or unsure that he wasn't ready to hear them. He found himself in a daze as he robotically as he got out from his seat and dragged the Joker to the gates. The guards were approaching to take him away, but before he parted from his beloved hero he smiled at him. His bright eyes burning into those of his bat's like acid but was filled to the brim with some kind of adoration.

"He loves me, he loves me not. "When will you see it" I think is a better question. But alas darling they've come to take me away. I await your answer Batsy," laughed the Joker as the guards took him leaving Batman with his thoughts.


	6. Day7:You'll Always Have Me to Dance With

Darkness shrouds the pestilent city

Her skylines breathe air dense and gritty

Her streets run with innocent blood

Gotham is beautiful when her tears flood

The stage is set, the hour is here

I feel you coming, I feel you near

The music plays and Gotham is alight

Let's begin our dance under the spotlight

Violence and death surround us darling

The beast comes out howling and snarling

The beauty comes out through blood and fighting

Dancing upon rooftops, the city under us writhing

Deadly scars write the score of dances before

You and I are deep within one another's core

When the night is done it will all seem a thing of myth

But remember my dear; you'll always have me to dance with


End file.
